Quick update on 100 list

I worked on it a bit yesterday and so far only have slightly over 40 things.

Argh! Surely I want more?! I think my dream bone is sprained. It's supposed to be fun to dream and come up with wild, fantastical ideas of things Id like to do. I feel pressure. Most of what I wrote down is easily achieved if I put my mind to it. That's good news. But where are my big far out really off the wall desires? This is scary. On the one hand I think, maybe I'm quite bring. On the other hand I think, well if this is all it takes for me to feel like I'm really living and happy, maybe it's not too far off. Hmm. Conflicted.

Back to Life, back to reality

Back to the process of change...

I've made a few changes since I started writing here and they've helped me feel better. In fact, because I don't feel nearly as awful, I'm tempted to become complacent. I'm reminded of an anecdote about a hound dog laying on the porch. He looks forlorn and occasionally moans, but most of the time he just lies there looking unhappy. After a bit of investigation you realize the dog is lying on a board with a nail sticking out of it. That has to be an unpleasant sensation for the dog. But the dog moans and sort of growls when you come near it and naps n miserably day after day. Why doesn't the dog just get up a move to another part of the porch? Because he's just not THAT miserable yet.

Well the same could be true for me. Once I get a few things going that help me, I tend to get a much more lackadaisical approach to overall wellness. So I must be reminded and even prodded at times to continue to be more, to do more, to become more whole.

Happiness isn't an extra little indulgence that I have to feel guilty about gobbling up. I don't have to demurely say, "Oh none for me. I'm quite full enough," while secretly desiring the largest slice. So while I do feel better, I need to continue forward and see if I can get more joy out of my days.

Here's an interesting revelation. I tend to self sabotage. As I climbed out of my emotional abyss, I reach a plateau and assume it's the top. I rest there. Inevitably, a tragedy strikes a friend or family member, or I'm needed to re-distribute my time and energy into helping someone. This is great for me...in a way. I feel like I have more to give so I do. I enjoy giving and helping. Then I'm all burned out again and back in the pit.

So, of course, this same scenario presented itself recently. A friend is in great crisis. She did not ask for my help. I found myself over empathizing and making myself miserable over her situation. Then I focused on all the other terrible things going on in the world and decided it's not right to be happy when all this is going on. I shall postpone my health and happiness until... *breaks screeching* Until when? Life will never be all good for everyone in the world at the same time. If I continue down that path , I will never have one happy day. Truth be told, other than listening to my friend and offering up a few prayers, there wasn't much I could do to help. Her child is in a coma. She's been to a hospital a couple of hours away from my home. But being me, I begged my friend to let me do something. At one point she called with her Christmas shopping list and I was glad to spend an hour of my time running those errands for her. But I digress. During all of this, I saw a sign on the freeway that listed a missing child. I actually considered driving around in my free time looking for the vehicle that this child was supposedly in. Once again, my mind raced to its Casual Observer mode and thought "wow--you really are bored and afraid to do anything about making real, lasting changes that would help you grow. You will go to any length to distract yourself from your purpose." And so, I listened to the Casual Observer and made a note not to fall into that pattern.

So what do I want? Well my own Christmas gift is converting the guest room to a space for me. It is to be my haven. My area to work on my creative projects and to keep my papers etc. My office/hobby room. It is my secret fear that once I get that space created, that I'll sit there and wonder "now what?" I always think the creativity will elude me. It doesn't, but it's a fear buy into. I have 4 or 5 unfinished projects that I can always start with. That might stimulate my creative muscles. I always say I have so many interests I wish I could live 5 lives at once. Do you know that when presented with the notion of what would I do with them, I really didn't have enough in my immediate mind to fill up one of them?

So here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to attempt to fill in a list of 100. 100 things I want to do before I die. It seems like a large number. I'm a little intimidated. Hopefully it will be fun to dream a bit. I've never been a goal setter...but right now I can't even know what I want unless I ask myself and look at it on paper.