The Secret Life of Parents

Also known as "What they don't tell you about having kids" as per mentioned in a list of possible topics. 

(As if I ever had joie de vivre, I seem to have a bit less mojo today. Perhaps I'm spent from yesterday's blogathon. Perhaps I'm recoiling from the task because I fear nothing I say is of value. Well hell, why fear dear? Value Shmalue. Today's post is half off. There. Everyone should be satisfied now.)

I know many would have you believe that as a woman, you have not achieved your purpose on the planet until you spawn additional people. For men, I suppose you're not Fully a man either unless your microscopic insect thingys can swim and hit the mark. Note gentle reader(s), these are not my sentiments but the pressure placed upon you by society. To have a wiggly little person with large eyes and incontinence is supposed to add meaning to your life and you are supposed to be a wellspring of effervescent joy radiating happiness and peace for all the world to see.

Here's what most people don't consider when they opt in for this adventure:

 #1 If we are to continue to operate under the delusion that your job as a parent lasts for approximately 18 yrs, try to think of one single thing you've done consistently well (other than breathe) for 18 solid years. Nod your head. It's true. The bubble is bursting but it's ok.... You will not be Awesome Mom/Dad, Perfect Parent or even Master of Mediocrity 365 days x 18. In fact, sometimes (note I didn't even say some days) you will more likely be Functioning Fool, barely Operational Overseer, and even Lousy Life Manager. Whee! So if you like the sense of failure compounded by copious, you're in the right spot!

#2 Hormones. WhoreMoans. Chemistry. This is what gets you into this situation. This is the Duracell of the Biological Clock. These little chemicals are what make you see the diaper ads and weep. (I gotta say the little sound of some kid pitter pattering on the floor barefoot wearing only a Clean diaper is a great sound...But then they cry and the spell is broken.)  These chemicals are also why the tiny Gap clothes call out to you--that or shopping addiction depending on the moment.  There comes a time when your body is basically on drugs and all you think about (ladies) is breeding. I know. It happened to me. There should be an Anonymous meeting for it. Thankfully, it is the same chemicals that make us fall in love with the squirmy, drooling mini Martians and keep us helplessly and rather hopelessly connected for the rest of our lives. A note--sometimes there's something that goes haywire and women don't get the in love chemical after having their bundle. I don't know what to say. It worked out that I was lucky and the Force was with me on that one.... But chemistry is a fickle friend. Just like New Love in a romantic relationship, after a while, the Cute One starts to develop some quirks that just annoy you and you begin having Commitment Remorse. (perhaps this is turning into a commitment post....no I can steer it back to my point) 

#3 You've done the deed. The baby is here. Surprise--your heart hurts. Oh yes. Physical pain that you smile through because it aches a bit AND you're riding high on the hormones. Your heart just grew larger. I liken it to finding out there's a secret door in your home and you just found it. There's an extra 1000 sq ft in there! Who knew?! You now have the capacity to love in a whole new way you've never been acquainted with before. It's wonderful! It's the best thing ever! You want to tell the world all about it! It's terrifying. Ok look for all you emotionally healthy and well-adjusted types, just quit reading. You're in the wrong spot. But for the rest of you--listen... You now have a piece of your heart walking around outside of your body.  This is Your HEART I'm talking about.... Peel off the armour and candy coated shell and see if you can find it again. You've probably spent years becoming quite jaded to protect it in this emotional minefield known as Life. Now a hunk of it is out there for the world to see, use and abuse... and occasionally it turns on you and stabs you in the face as well. Oh yes. Good times indeed. And because you can't help yourself, you hand it the knife and say "that's ok dear, perhaps you'd like to take another try.... See if you can aim a little lower this time.... Here let me help you. Oh sweet angel, just keep practicing--you'll learn how to devastate people just like the rest of them with a bit more practice." What I'm saying in an admittedly cryptic way is, for the first time (most likely) ever, you now have this sense of throwing yourself to the proverbial wolves/leaping through fire/jumping off mountains/whatever for someone Besides yourself. And the real ass kicker: they probably will never appreciate it nor acknowledge it or even fathom it---until maybe when they become parents. (I *still* don't think my parents had/have the kind of love for me that I do for my child...so no guarantees on the kid seeing this even after becoming a parent.)

#4 The heart break has just begun. Your chemicals make you feel just as needy for this being that needs you. You become exhausted and want a break but feel guilty for taking one. You can't be in two places at once. There are no stunt doubles. (Believe me I've been accepting applications for years and there's a significant lack of resumes on my desk) You are needed...maybe not always wanted but most certainly Needed. You have a new purpose. Ready for the bittersweet part? Your entire job is to train that person to do without you. Yep. To be a healthy functioning adult alien (hahaha  ok maybe a couple of you are human)  with decent self esteem and coping skills means you have to train them to need you a little bit less each year. (Sometimes this is a relief.  Sometimes, when it becomes super obvious, they don't need/want you- it stings) But that is not all. Oh no, that is not all. You need to do it All while trying to maintain a personality, a sense of self that is not All about the Kids to demonstrate what a healthy adult looks like. You know one with friends, a good romantic relationship, hobbies, good self esteem etc., so they can see a Model of what they'd like to become and use it as a visual roadmap for future reference. Oops! This is where I and a few other women tend to drop the ball. Who has time to be a woman And a mom? No really. Romance? And barf on aisle 3?  *Kiss kiss* and a screaming baby in the background: talk about mood killer.  As an aside, I don't have this visual roadmap from my mom. All I knew as a kid was that I didn't want to be like her... I wonder if history will repeat itself?!

#5 (and I'll stop here because it's getting WAY too long) As your child grows up, you "get" to re-explore all those old childhood/teen issues you buried long ago and promised yourself was all behind you.  Ready to tap back into all those "new school" fears? How about playground bullying? Ready to take a whole other crack at adolescent insecurity and teen angst? You will! The trick is not to project your own baggage onto your kid. Sometimes they go through it the exact same way you did (and won't listen to your warnings because they simply must learn the hard way) and sometimes they won't. While I'm rambling on about projecting, it's also quite tricky not to attempt to Design your kid. This is way more than genetic sci fi crap they speak about now with test tubes and DNA and such. I mean, allowing your child to have their Own personality while behaving appropriately within the parameters you set up. If you like control, you may want to re-think parenthood. Remember the grab bad thing at church carnivals (etc)? You never knew what you were going to get. I sort of liked the surprise element there. The worst that would happen is you'd get a cheap thing that you could discard. Not so with kids... at least legally. You don't know what you're going to get... You could be quiet, contemplative, and artistic and spawn someone completely the opposite. Guess what? Gotta love 'em.  hahahaha  Well you would (obviously) but you know what I mean.  I have found, often, that if you have a family member from your childhood that you have/had issues with, God has this funny way of giving you a kid with a lot of the same personality quirks. It's as if He says "Do over. Try again. See if you can get along this time."

Ok before I make it completely unappealing and sterilize you for life, The good things you've heard are true. I get a contact happy when my child is happy. His genuine laugh is the best sound on the planet. I don't always hang on his every word any more-- that's the lack of New Love chemical mixed with my depression and bitterness du jour robbing me of that..... But when I see him learn something new and he's proud of himself and he shares it with me, well, that is better than any vacation, drink, meal or bank balance I can imagine.