bulimia, it's not just for breakfast any more

the situation: a new development in my regularly scheduled drama. I'm not barfing but someone I live with has been.

the issues it brings up: self image, self loathing, self worth, redefining a relationship with ourselves and each other, pressures

the anger: I have a bit of this feeling. I understand how food can become about so much more than fuel for the body. I can relate to that much. I can see how young minds get things fairly twisted up.  "I hurt so I will hurt myself" train of thought is mind boggling but I remember going there in my head in my early teens.  I didn't carry mine out in an eating disorder. Perhaps I wasn't disciplined enough. <- That was a rough and inappropriate stab at humor. My anger comes from a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. My problematic plate was overflowing before this revelation.  Go back a few posts and see when I mentioned being overwhelmed for a point of reference....  I'll wait. So I have one person in the house who was born with issues that are hardwired into his brain and chemistry.  He didn't choose his troubles but he goes about life fairly cheerful and works harder than most people just to be in this world on a constant basis. Now this one---this one has added a challenge to her list of issues rather than just working on the core issue to begin with.  She was provided every opportunity to deal with the core issue straight on in an open, caring environment. She chose to bury that, then act out in destructive behavior patterns as a result of buried pain and compound her problems.  Her choices affect my life and all the others in my household. I didn't ask for this. Cue tantrum.  This is a good case of the "But I don't WANT to deal with this"...said in the most annoying whiny voice imaginable.   I,  however, do not have the luxury of simply throwing up my responsibilities when the going gets tough. Oh wouldn't that seem easier? Just purge out all of the bullshit that comes my way?  I already know that I can run but I cant hide from myself. I guess it's her turn to start on that lesson.

the process: Counseling, an eating plan, and re-slicing the pie chart of time and attention once again to give her more than her share and let someone else be ignored and under served in the house. Will we ever find balance? Probably not, but I'm told it doesn't last forever....

Word of the Day

Believe it or not, I keep thinking about how to be more concise. I know that wouldn't keep with the theme of the blog but I'm running out of time. My verbose nature is because I type as I think. I have no time to self edit...and a lack of energy to do so as well. If I think it through, I might be a better writer but I sure as hell wouldn't be posting.  I'd wait until it all made sense. I'd try to see the thought out all the way to the end and never be confident that I had my final stamp on the idea. I'm always in the process of change. My thoughts are totally subject to change with more experience and time. That's my disclaimer. I hope all of my imaginary friends saw it.

Lately I've noticed I'll have a term I over use for that day. It's like my mind has a Go To word just waiting in my mental wings and that word must be used in a sentence more than three times in a 12 hour period.  Perhaps if I just wrote the word and pushed "publish" it would serve as just as good (if not better) journal of my life.  

Let's give it a quick try: 

Monday- Oh God I cant remember. This is why it's important to write stuff down.

Tuesday- It's a tie. I said "mad" and "Lord" a LOT.

Wednesday- "Intense"

Thursday- "Trifecta"

Friday- not sure what today's word will be. It is not a pre-planned activity.

But if we look back at the week thus far we'll see a fairly reflective pattern. There was anger and an event which made me completely block out my usual mental chaos from Monday.  There was much discussion regarding intensity.  And then there was trifecta. I tend to think of this term when I consider all elements of chaos coming together in a perfect storm type of scenario.

This is a good record keeping system for me.  I can explain my week in a future blog. I feel massive amounts of blogging need to happen today. I've got some purging to do. So yeah, sometimes I'll explain my frequently used words and other times I can take them and finger paint with them and maybe make up imaginary scenarios. Wait.. I'm supposed to be honest here. Aren't I?! Hmm. Time to ponder that thought for awhile.  

A big 4 letter word

Love.  I know we won't have to consult Webster's for this term. Don't you think it's tossed about WAY too easily? Ok maybe it's just me, but I do. 

I always thought over-use of a term cheapened it's meaning.  Epiphany: this would explain why the f bomb and many other "curse" words have little to no effect on me.   They are my verbal shorthand. They do represent my lack of energy to use more descriptive vocabulary when verbalizing.  I try to avoid throwing those colorful expletives out around my young son. I mean, nothing is more attractive than my potty mouth being recited through the teeth of a 7 yr old. Sometimes I even get through a whole day without muttering an obscenity.  Maybe I will literally just say Obscenity from now on? Well, that's worth a try.

But I digress.

This blog was supposed to be about people who say they love (romantically) another person at the first exchange of a well....a glance I guess. I see it with the teens. There was the "ily" thing online. Wow. Almost every snotty little tweenage girl would comment the other's photo with "you are pretty. ily"  Or "you look amazing. ily" Or "hot. ily" 

I don't know about you, but when I was in jr. high, most girls didn't love each other. It was a blood bath or competitive snarkiness.  No? Not the same for you? Ah... well.... I have issues. (Please note that most of the kids can't spell so my quotes are inaccurate in that way. My example should read as "your prety. ily")  

I would expect some jr high female or even young high school girl to have a crush on a boy and say "But I looooooooooooove him." (read that in a desperate, vomit inducing whiny way) I can't count how many girls I knew that ran away in high school those first two years to be with the one they loved. *Gag* Is it hormones? Why do so many young females want to play out Romeo and Juliet? That shit did not end well, remember?  These days I even hear the Over Dramatic Sap Festival spew out of the mouths of young boys. "I think I'm in love with you..."  and they mean it. They think they are. It isn't even just about getting into the other person's pants--well it's not 100% the intention.  (Back in my day, that would be the only reason a young dude might mutter that out loud.) It's just so odd. Is this what happens when we raise a group of guys to be in touch with their feminine sides? They turn into mushy little estrogen producing mutants? (Not to say I prefer the womanizing bastards of yesteryear.)

Occasionally I see this in adult women as well. Her: I think he's the one.  Me: Oh honey, you haven't been on a date or shared a meal together. (I'll save my lengthy thoughts on the "there's only one" theory for another blog.) Her: Yes but he gives good email.  Me: Well that's important but let's see how he does life in real time.

My point, if I have one, is say it when you mean it. Say it often to your children, friends, family members or whoever you actually Do love. Let the word have some dignity and meaning. It's short but what it signifies is powerful and we haven't many other words to describe what it's supposed to mean. If it's a romantic thing, then wait until you know, then say it and watch it grow. There. I got Seussical about it. You know I must be slightly more crazy today. That or I begin to rhyme when agitated. Oh God I think I just had another Epiphany about rap music.  This blogging stuff is so helpful.

categorization

I like to sift and sort. I like to analyze. I over-think, therefore I am.  

Back in high school, I think we all put labels on ourselves in a desperate attempt to keep life (and it's characters) simplified. At that time, you were how you dressed. The music you listened to and the group of other similarly attired people you associated with, defined your status. While we neatly packaged everyone else in those labeled boxes we lamented being placed in them ourselves. How angsty and rebellious of us.....  

It disrupted our world view when the boy in the "hero" costume (Thank you Disney marketing for defining heroes and villains for us all) turned out to be bad or the girl who looked the most G rated ended up being the one who was the most wild. In our young orderly brains, those exceptions to the "rules" were met with shock and surprise.  Our parents, who had been the authorities on rules and morals and everything in between became fallible human beings.  This discovery added to the sense of confusion and general "world crashing all around us" angst.

College was a much freer experience. No longer trapped by the labels and the clear cut sense of black and white, the world took on several shades of grey. With that revelation, the categorization became far more complicated. But the urge to categorize persisted. We grouped ourselves by age, (21 being a good line to draw),  major,  and personal interests. 

I've come back to this draft a few times. I never have time to finish it.  I've put a lot of thought into how I tend to group people. How I try to make sense of the world around me. There's been loads of analysis dedicated to the lines I draw. I've lost count of how many times I've erased those lines and started over. (mentally and literally in typing this out) Rather than continue to explain that process here, I'll let you think on your own categorization strategies in the past.  See? You know what I'm talking about. You've been there and done that... or perhaps are still in the process of doing it.

At some point I gave up. I couldn't make sense of everything and everyone.  It was overwhelming. (I tend to be overwhelmed a lot here, right?!) One day, as I was driving... and I'm ALWAYS driving... I had an epiphany. I was reflecting on all of the people I know and their mid life meltdowns. People can be grouped into 2 big categories after all....  There are people who have standards/principles/values that increase, or become refined, over time. They expect more out of themselves and others and cling to that criteria. And there's the converse: There are people who grow more lapse in their standards. They choose to let things slide.   

How we get into either of the 2 groups--the journey that leads us there-- can  be very different. Our starting points can be different... but that fork in the road that we take is a very definite turning point in the entire outcome of our lives ever after. And often it affects everyone around us as well.