Quick update on 100 list

I worked on it a bit yesterday and so far only have slightly over 40 things.

Argh! Surely I want more?! I think my dream bone is sprained. It's supposed to be fun to dream and come up with wild, fantastical ideas of things Id like to do. I feel pressure. Most of what I wrote down is easily achieved if I put my mind to it. That's good news. But where are my big far out really off the wall desires? This is scary. On the one hand I think, maybe I'm quite bring. On the other hand I think, well if this is all it takes for me to feel like I'm really living and happy, maybe it's not too far off. Hmm. Conflicted.

Back to Life, back to reality

Back to the process of change...

I've made a few changes since I started writing here and they've helped me feel better. In fact, because I don't feel nearly as awful, I'm tempted to become complacent. I'm reminded of an anecdote about a hound dog laying on the porch. He looks forlorn and occasionally moans, but most of the time he just lies there looking unhappy. After a bit of investigation you realize the dog is lying on a board with a nail sticking out of it. That has to be an unpleasant sensation for the dog. But the dog moans and sort of growls when you come near it and naps n miserably day after day. Why doesn't the dog just get up a move to another part of the porch? Because he's just not THAT miserable yet.

Well the same could be true for me. Once I get a few things going that help me, I tend to get a much more lackadaisical approach to overall wellness. So I must be reminded and even prodded at times to continue to be more, to do more, to become more whole.

Happiness isn't an extra little indulgence that I have to feel guilty about gobbling up. I don't have to demurely say, "Oh none for me. I'm quite full enough," while secretly desiring the largest slice. So while I do feel better, I need to continue forward and see if I can get more joy out of my days.

Here's an interesting revelation. I tend to self sabotage. As I climbed out of my emotional abyss, I reach a plateau and assume it's the top. I rest there. Inevitably, a tragedy strikes a friend or family member, or I'm needed to re-distribute my time and energy into helping someone. This is great for me...in a way. I feel like I have more to give so I do. I enjoy giving and helping. Then I'm all burned out again and back in the pit.

So, of course, this same scenario presented itself recently. A friend is in great crisis. She did not ask for my help. I found myself over empathizing and making myself miserable over her situation. Then I focused on all the other terrible things going on in the world and decided it's not right to be happy when all this is going on. I shall postpone my health and happiness until... *breaks screeching* Until when? Life will never be all good for everyone in the world at the same time. If I continue down that path , I will never have one happy day. Truth be told, other than listening to my friend and offering up a few prayers, there wasn't much I could do to help. Her child is in a coma. She's been to a hospital a couple of hours away from my home. But being me, I begged my friend to let me do something. At one point she called with her Christmas shopping list and I was glad to spend an hour of my time running those errands for her. But I digress. During all of this, I saw a sign on the freeway that listed a missing child. I actually considered driving around in my free time looking for the vehicle that this child was supposedly in. Once again, my mind raced to its Casual Observer mode and thought "wow--you really are bored and afraid to do anything about making real, lasting changes that would help you grow. You will go to any length to distract yourself from your purpose." And so, I listened to the Casual Observer and made a note not to fall into that pattern.

So what do I want? Well my own Christmas gift is converting the guest room to a space for me. It is to be my haven. My area to work on my creative projects and to keep my papers etc. My office/hobby room. It is my secret fear that once I get that space created, that I'll sit there and wonder "now what?" I always think the creativity will elude me. It doesn't, but it's a fear buy into. I have 4 or 5 unfinished projects that I can always start with. That might stimulate my creative muscles. I always say I have so many interests I wish I could live 5 lives at once. Do you know that when presented with the notion of what would I do with them, I really didn't have enough in my immediate mind to fill up one of them?

So here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to attempt to fill in a list of 100. 100 things I want to do before I die. It seems like a large number. I'm a little intimidated. Hopefully it will be fun to dream a bit. I've never been a goal setter...but right now I can't even know what I want unless I ask myself and look at it on paper.

amends

I'm suffering from compunction. I know that most of the time online people vent. Most people take the time to write out a complaint than a compliment. (Be aware of this when reading vacation and restaurant reviews.) And because of that, the more you read stuff online, the more you tend to feel there is very little good in the world. I tend to present myself to others as Negative Nelly. It's not the sum total of my personality but it's the easiest and safest cloak for me to wear. Sometimes Nelly is funny but I'm sure it's a tiresome routine after awhile.

Honestly, I am somewhat snarky. Another truth about me is that when I feel I'm in the wrong, I own it. I have a love/hate relationship with myself because of my attitude. Being a cynical smart ass has its downside. Sometimes I feel a little over confident. I get a false sense of strength from being on guard for life's pitfalls. I think "haha Life--you didn't surprise me with your unpleasantness because I was expecting it!" Whoo freakin' hoo. Ain't that a grand way to live?! Pessimism is almost a guaranteed way to avoid being disappointed. It also helps prevent any unexpected feelings of happiness. People ask if I'm a glass half empty or half full person. I'm a "that's made of glass and it's about to get knocked over and however much is inside will spill and someone is possibly going to get cut on shards of glass" person. But that kind of person doesn't make for a catchy title... so I'll just sum that up with "Negative Nelly" for now.

Recently I was told I think too much. That's not really a news flash for me, but you get what you pay for and this comment was free. ;-) It's true. My mental auto-response is "well I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass." But no matter how many ways I look at that statement, the sum is: I = Ass. Grrr. Yes, my blog which should be all about elevating our standards for discourse has been reduced to onomatopoeia.

Enough of the inner workings of Yakkity. Now I'll get to why I'm penitent. Lately I've been prattling about my loathing for the holidays. I realize that by focusing my thoughts on the negative, I'm eliminating potential joy.

I believe in supporting the true spirit and celebratory purpose behind the Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions. At Thanksgiving, (and always) it is important for us to realize and appreciate even the simple, every day pleasures that we often take for granted. I see no reason to feast necessarily. By comparison, I think the typical American caloric portion at any meal constitutes a feast in most other cultures. I wish to clarify the impression I've made that I dislike people. I like quality interactions with people. I find that parties and "special" occasions become pressurized because we all want perfection and some experience that Hallmark or Kleenex showed us in their ads. As for Christmas, I'm not the first to write or think "put the Christ back in Christmas." But today I realized the reason for the season, as Christians refer to Him, has taken a bit of a backseat to my rushing around decorating, buying gifts and trying to manage cards and outdoor lights. None of that activity is really for Jesus. It certainly can make my festivities bright and merry but all the preparation sure does create a lot of unnecessary stress and strain. I just can't believe how easily I'm sucked in by the "merriment" (read that as cultural mania) in my day to day life.

So, at this point, I'm going to exhale. I've been feeling guilty about the frenzy regarding a fabricated birthday loaded with traditions that have very little to do with the Emmanuel (God with us) we are supposedly celebrating. I see that I'd become distracted by all of the "to do" lists, social obligations and pressures. I lost sight of "the birthday boy".. or as I choose to believe from my studies, "the conception boy". (Fellow Christians let's not go into this little area too much. We can all argue the fine points all day but really, why? Can't we all just get along?! If you really need to tell me it's his birthday on 12/25, just notate the scriptural passage that supports it and I'll do my best research to see that you are correct. Frankly I'm just happy He was here and abides with me.) For those of my imaginary friends who don't know Jesus or believe in Him, that's ok. Just don't judge Jesus by the company He keeps. He's for everyone and we're all fallible, dirty little human beings who continue to do all sorts of crazy things in His name. Somehow He loves us anyway... and that's one of the many things that makes Him so much better than me.

If I have any kind of point to make it's that I'm going to re-focus myself on the important aspects of the celebration. It's going to require effort on my part. (If you know me, you know at Thanksgiving I get a bit focused on what happened to the Natives over the course of history... Another joy thief thought pattern.) I'm going to slow down and not feel like I need to buy everything Right now or I will not be ok. I'm going to relax on that greeting card list. I'm going to remind myself to be in the moment and stop getting in the way of Joy. I'm going to get a bit more Silent Night calmness and brightness in my life to help relieve some of the worldly pressure. So to all of the figments of my imagination, I wish you joy and peace. I will do my best to report some good news in the next few posts.

Negative Nelly Returns, a cornucopia of grievances

True Story:

On my quest to be with the family, I popped my head into the tv room. I glance at the screen and see two large shiny robot toys moving and talking. The screen cuts to a shot of the God camera looking down on Megan Fox. Megan looks up with her failed attempt at doe-eyed innocence and says, "What am I doing here?" And I flatly say "exactly." I withdrew my head from the doorway, shut the doors and left. I would like to have those 25 seconds of my life back.

It should be noted that I have no heroes and I dislike most superhero films. I do not wish to be transformed. My review of that particular piece of cinematic work: nugatory, at best.

_________________________________

Dear well meaning dog owner,

Thanks for supporting my disdain for the teen's appeal for a bearded dragon for Christmas. Perhaps you might want to re-think your sentiment that "those stink" since your favorite furry friends do as well. It is a rare day when I can enter a home and not immediately surmise that canines dwell on the premises.

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To my sweet vegan friends,

Animals are my friends too. But some times, when I least expect it, I do eat my friends....and they taste ambrosial.

holidaze

My old, imaginary friends already know this but here it is for my newer imaginary friends: I hate holidays. It's gotten worse as I've gotten older. Perhaps my grumpy old lady routine is slightly ahead of schedule in terms of my age, but so be it.

The thing is, I really don't love parties. Occasionally I enjoy them but it's seldom. The thing about parties is, there's always a weird, awkwardness... Then a few meaningless pleasantries are exchanged. Small talk, yet another delight, is encouraged and (let's face it) required. There are introductions and the standard array of "pretending to get to know you questions." We know the questions. God help you if you find yourself asking them.... "What do you do?" Just once, for the record, I will state that what you do is not who you are. There. I'm glad to get that out of my system. I'd much prefer to kick off my shoes, sit on the floor in clothes I am comfy in, and say "So... what do you really like? Are you passionate about anything any more? How is it that you came to be here...at this moment in time?" Most would run away screaming....which would suit me fine. I guess I'm more interested in a few quality conversations than hours of surface stuff with people I'll never see again. Occasionally you might find a few people you enjoy or get involved in an activity that is pleasant, but then, it's late and it's time to leave. Why can't we skip the beginning part and just get right to the fun --if there's any to be had?! As I often say, does the fun ever start?!

Ah well... This post is about holidays. What I've learned recently is that holidays are parties where you don't invite people you like. You invite people you share DNA and/or history with. These people come with baggage. And if one of them acts like an ass, you can't throw them out of the "party" or you'll be the ass who threw Grandma out on Thanksgiving day. Imagine my joy to know that there's another special occasiona right around the corner.

Oh crap... I was supposed to throw in some random big word in my post to make it fit the blog's theme. Well, too late now. Let's just go with "anathema". It's like abomination and bane, only slightly less trite.

Why? (probably the first of many Why posts)

Why is it that so many things in life that I find to be rewarding also come with a lot of responsibility? Hmmph.