amends

I'm suffering from compunction. I know that most of the time online people vent. Most people take the time to write out a complaint than a compliment. (Be aware of this when reading vacation and restaurant reviews.) And because of that, the more you read stuff online, the more you tend to feel there is very little good in the world. I tend to present myself to others as Negative Nelly. It's not the sum total of my personality but it's the easiest and safest cloak for me to wear. Sometimes Nelly is funny but I'm sure it's a tiresome routine after awhile.

Honestly, I am somewhat snarky. Another truth about me is that when I feel I'm in the wrong, I own it. I have a love/hate relationship with myself because of my attitude. Being a cynical smart ass has its downside. Sometimes I feel a little over confident. I get a false sense of strength from being on guard for life's pitfalls. I think "haha Life--you didn't surprise me with your unpleasantness because I was expecting it!" Whoo freakin' hoo. Ain't that a grand way to live?! Pessimism is almost a guaranteed way to avoid being disappointed. It also helps prevent any unexpected feelings of happiness. People ask if I'm a glass half empty or half full person. I'm a "that's made of glass and it's about to get knocked over and however much is inside will spill and someone is possibly going to get cut on shards of glass" person. But that kind of person doesn't make for a catchy title... so I'll just sum that up with "Negative Nelly" for now.

Recently I was told I think too much. That's not really a news flash for me, but you get what you pay for and this comment was free. ;-) It's true. My mental auto-response is "well I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass." But no matter how many ways I look at that statement, the sum is: I = Ass. Grrr. Yes, my blog which should be all about elevating our standards for discourse has been reduced to onomatopoeia.

Enough of the inner workings of Yakkity. Now I'll get to why I'm penitent. Lately I've been prattling about my loathing for the holidays. I realize that by focusing my thoughts on the negative, I'm eliminating potential joy.

I believe in supporting the true spirit and celebratory purpose behind the Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions. At Thanksgiving, (and always) it is important for us to realize and appreciate even the simple, every day pleasures that we often take for granted. I see no reason to feast necessarily. By comparison, I think the typical American caloric portion at any meal constitutes a feast in most other cultures. I wish to clarify the impression I've made that I dislike people. I like quality interactions with people. I find that parties and "special" occasions become pressurized because we all want perfection and some experience that Hallmark or Kleenex showed us in their ads. As for Christmas, I'm not the first to write or think "put the Christ back in Christmas." But today I realized the reason for the season, as Christians refer to Him, has taken a bit of a backseat to my rushing around decorating, buying gifts and trying to manage cards and outdoor lights. None of that activity is really for Jesus. It certainly can make my festivities bright and merry but all the preparation sure does create a lot of unnecessary stress and strain. I just can't believe how easily I'm sucked in by the "merriment" (read that as cultural mania) in my day to day life.

So, at this point, I'm going to exhale. I've been feeling guilty about the frenzy regarding a fabricated birthday loaded with traditions that have very little to do with the Emmanuel (God with us) we are supposedly celebrating. I see that I'd become distracted by all of the "to do" lists, social obligations and pressures. I lost sight of "the birthday boy".. or as I choose to believe from my studies, "the conception boy". (Fellow Christians let's not go into this little area too much. We can all argue the fine points all day but really, why? Can't we all just get along?! If you really need to tell me it's his birthday on 12/25, just notate the scriptural passage that supports it and I'll do my best research to see that you are correct. Frankly I'm just happy He was here and abides with me.) For those of my imaginary friends who don't know Jesus or believe in Him, that's ok. Just don't judge Jesus by the company He keeps. He's for everyone and we're all fallible, dirty little human beings who continue to do all sorts of crazy things in His name. Somehow He loves us anyway... and that's one of the many things that makes Him so much better than me.

If I have any kind of point to make it's that I'm going to re-focus myself on the important aspects of the celebration. It's going to require effort on my part. (If you know me, you know at Thanksgiving I get a bit focused on what happened to the Natives over the course of history... Another joy thief thought pattern.) I'm going to slow down and not feel like I need to buy everything Right now or I will not be ok. I'm going to relax on that greeting card list. I'm going to remind myself to be in the moment and stop getting in the way of Joy. I'm going to get a bit more Silent Night calmness and brightness in my life to help relieve some of the worldly pressure. So to all of the figments of my imagination, I wish you joy and peace. I will do my best to report some good news in the next few posts.